There are versions of yourself you have completely forgotten.
Not the big ones. Not the you that graduated or moved cities or ended something that needed ending. Those ones you remember.
Those ones have stories attached, photographs, the occasional 2am revisit when something in the present nudges something in the past and suddenly you are back there, briefly, before the present pulls you forward again.
The ones you have forgotten are smaller. The you that had a favourite colour and felt strongly about it. The you that spent three weeks absolutely certain about something you cannot now remember being certain about. The you that had a best friend whose last name you have forgotten.
The you that used to hum while doing the dishes before you stopped humming and never noticed you had stopped.
These versions of you were complete. They were not sketches or rehearsals. They were the whole thing, fully inhabited, entirely convinced of their own permanence.
None of them knew about you.
You at Seven
You at seven had a very clear idea of what was fair.
Not a sophisticated idea. Not a nuanced one. But clear in the way that only the ideas of seven-year-olds are clear, with the kind of absolute certainty that most adults spend their lives trying to locate again in more complicated forms.
Fairness was simple: the same amount for everyone. The same number of sweets. The same number of minutes. The same rules for everyone in the game, including the people who made the rules, which was the part that kept causing problems.
You at seven noticed things that you at thirty-seven have learned not to notice, or have learned to notice and file away under things that are true but not useful to say out loud.
You at seven said them out loud. This caused a certain amount of difficulty. It also caused, occasionally, a certain amount of change.
The world did not become fair. But you said the thing. For a while, that felt like enough.
You no longer say the thing. You are not entirely sure when you stopped.
You at Twelve
You at twelve were in the middle of something you did not have a name for yet.
The name, it turns out, is becoming. But you did not know that then. What you knew was that everything felt extraordinarily important and simultaneously somehow wrong. That the friendships you had were slightly off, like a picture hung at an angle you could not fix.
That you were performing a version of yourself for everyone around you and the performance was exhausting and you could not stop.
You at twelve read things that felt like they were written directly to you. Songs that seemed to have been composed for the specific interior of your specific life. Books where characters felt more real than most of the people you ate lunch with. You were not escaping.
You were, in the only way available to you, being witnessed.
Nobody ever tells you that the hunger you feel at twelve, that consuming need to be seen and known, does not really go away. It gets more sophisticated. It learns to dress itself in more adult clothing.
But it is still there, years later, in the way you feel when someone at a dinner party says something that exactly captures a thing you have never been able to say.
You at twelve would recognise that feeling immediately.
You at Seventeen
You at seventeen made a decision.
You probably know which one. There is usually one. A crossroads that did not look like a crossroads at the time, that looked like a Tuesday, like an ordinary moment of yes or no, stay or go, say it or don’t say it.
A moment that turned out to have been a hinge.
You at seventeen did not know it was a hinge. You were too busy being seventeen, which is its own full-time occupation. The self-consciousness alone requires enormous resource.
The constant surveillance of how you appear, how you sound, whether the person you want to notice you has noticed you, whether the person you are is acceptable, interesting, worth the room you are taking up.
You at seventeen would be astonished by some of the things you do now without thinking. The ease with which you walk into rooms.
The things you have learned to say no to. The way you can sit in silence with someone you love without needing to fill it.
You at seventeen would also, if you are honest, recognise some things about the way you still move through the world. The way certain looks from certain people still land in a familiar place. The way you still sometimes perform rather than simply are.
Seventeen left some things that did not get packed away when that version of you moved on.
You at Twenty-Three
You at twenty-three was certain.
Not about everything. About one specific thing, the thing that mattered most to you at that particular moment, the thing your whole life was oriented around. Maybe it was a person. Maybe it was a vocation.
Maybe it was a version of the future you had constructed in detail, furnished and populated, so real that you could almost smell it.
You at twenty-three could not have told you that certainty and rightness are not the same thing. You knew with absolute conviction, and conviction felt like evidence.
Some of what you were certain about turned out to be correct. Some of it turned out to be a story you needed to believe at that point in order to keep moving, which is a different thing and equally valuable in its way.
The decision you still think about, the one from the opening of this piece, is probably from around here. Give or take a few years.
It is always from around here. The twenties are the decade where the consequences of choices become visible in the same year as the choices themselves, which is a very efficient and very brutal form of education.
You at twenty-three was not wrong to be certain. Certainty was what the moment required. The uncertainty came later, and it was harder, and it was more honest, and eventually it was also better.
But you had to be twenty-three first. You had to be that certain. There was no shortcut through it.
The Question Worth Asking
Here is what the philosophers argue about and what the psychologists measure and what most people feel on some long quiet evening without ever having the vocabulary for it.
Are all of these people you?
The you at seven with the absolute ideas about fairness. The you at twelve performing for an audience of everyone. The you at seventeen standing at a hinge. The you at twenty-three who was certain. The you now, reading this, carrying everything they left behind.
Are these different people who happened to share a body and a name? Or are they one person, seen from different angles at different distances, each version real and complete and also, somehow, continuous with all the others?
The psychological research on identity suggests something that does not resolve neatly. The self is both more continuous than we think and more discontinuous than we are comfortable admitting.
We remember our past selves as more similar to our current selves than they actually were. We predict our future selves will be more similar to our current selves than they will turn out to be.
The self is a story we are always in the middle of. It has no reliable narrator.
What They Left You
The versions of yourself you have already been left things behind.
Some of those things are useful. The resilience that was built in a difficult year. The skill that was developed in a season of obsessive focus.
The capacity for a particular kind of friendship that was learned from a particular person who is no longer in your life. The knowledge that you survived the thing you were certain you could not survive.
Some of the things they left are less useful. The defensive reflex that was formed in response to something that is no longer happening. The self-limiting belief that made complete sense when it was formed and has been running quietly in the background ever since.
The hunger to prove something to someone who has not thought about you in years.
You are carrying all of it. The seven-year-old’s sense of fairness. The twelve-year-old’s hunger to be known. The seventeen-year-old’s hinge. The twenty-three-year-old’s certainty. They did not disappear when their season ended.
They became part of the substrate. They are in the way you respond before you have had time to think. In the things that move you without your permission.
This is not a problem to be solved. It is a fact to be understood.
The versions of yourself you have already been are not gone. They are not separate from the person reading this. They are the person reading this, seen at different angles, in different lights, at different distances.
All of you are here. All of you have always been here.
The only version of yourself you do not yet know is the one that comes next.
Read next: What is Moksha: why liberation is the aim nobody talks about . Before Ikigai and Maslow, there was Purushartha.
